Aquarium Gays

AquariumGays! Gay porn sites turned out not to be what I had imagined in my head. I pictured them being like the inside of a hobby lobby. Whatever the porn version of live, laugh, love wall art would be. Just take a straight guy porn website and let the queer guys redesign it. I turned out to be wrong.

It turns out most gay porn sites are as decorated as straight ones. That is to say, not at all. They replaced the pussies with cocks, sure, but otherwise, I couldn’t tell the difference. It was a bonding moment for me. We are all the same, aren’t we? Just some giant dumb apes cumming our way through life.

But rules are made to be broken, and I’ve come across straight porn sites with more interior design work than a casino. I don’t usually stay long, but I appreciate the effort. Someone has to prove we are not all dumb apes. And that’s what Aquariumgays does for the fag world.

This is one fancy-ass porn site. It’s a gossip site mixed with a news site; add a twist of Spotify plus a social media floater. Were all the naked men covered up, I would have never guessed it was porn. Speaking of Spotify, you can play music from Spotify right on the site because it’s got its own radio. This shit is not fucking around.

All Gussied Up

I’ll do my best to give you a picture of the place, but a lot is happening. And surprisingly, there is still a main menu up top. The options are Amateur, Brand new, Without cover, Black, Public sex, Big gifted, Contact, and more. The more category is a drop-down menu with a dozen selections. If you don’t want to fuck around with all the pageantry, you can stick to the main menu and avoid the bulk of fancy shit.

Below the main menu are the most accessed tags. I see gays love their synonyms since three of the nine favorite tags are big dick, big cock, and giant dick. You gotta do what you love in this life.

Under the tags is a top-five videos scroller. Five doesn’t seem like a large enough number to justify a scroller. However, the display of nine tags was static, and to be fair, titles take up more space than tags. Plus, it adds to the look of the place.

The following section is sort of like the front page of the newspaper. It’s got some of the latest and greatest happenings on Aquariumgays. There is a thumbnail scroller of what I think are editors’ picks. And to the side of that are static thumbnails of the same vein.

Another inch down is the most viewed porn of the week. It all seems like the pretty regular stuff. There are no dudes dressed like Barney with their dicks out or four-foot pink socks. I’m sure this news either delights or disappoints you.

The Sunday Paper of Porn

To continue the news metaphor, the next section would be like articles in your Sunday edition. There are no written words, but porn clips are shown with a specific context and headline. It’s shit like a clip of a fat cock with the caption “could you take that big dick up your ass?” No, sir, I could not. That’s all you, my man. I’ll take some green eggs and ham, instead.

After passing that bit, the background changes from cream to dark gray. This is where the magazine vibe drops, and the regular porn vibe begins. There are two columns, one for public sex and the other for pure fucking. Or, as they put it, “Fucks.” I also noted that Xvideos host all the videos on Aquariumgays.

The video player page maintains a similar look to the rest of the site. And to add a touch of flair, the videos get a cover photo. You also can let the world know what you think by rating the porn out of five stars. As usual, there is a related video listing. If you scroll past all that, plus the comments, you get back to the black background. That black chunk always follows the rest of the website around. No matter where you go finding more porn, it is only a scroll away.

You fags will be happy with the level of content on Aquariumgays. Pixel counts are high, the models look gay enough, and there are plenty of sizable dicks. Most of the porn is vanilla, but let’s see if we can find some weird shit too.

Are You the Doctor?!

“This Bastard Went for a Prostate Exam and Liked it!” I’ve never had a prostate exam, but I’m pretty sure the guy in scrubs was not a doctor. No way would an MD have you hold your own legs open spread eagle with your O-ring held high in the air. These were merely suspicions until the ass fucking began. I reckon the penis is not an officially recognized tool of a medician.

“Wife denied pussy; he came to eat my ass” No, he fucking didn’t. I call that massive bullshit. First off, the male equivalent to pussy is not eating a dude’s ass. That’s as far from pussy as is possible. Well, I might believe it if he went to fuck his neighbor’s ass but not lick it. If I ever trade up some pussy for licking a dude’s ass, may God strike me dead twice.

I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t peek in the big-dick category. I know how much you fags love getting your assholes turned into manholes. The largest piece I could find was from that previously mentioned “Could You Take That Big Dick Up Your Ass?” video. If that cock attempted to enter my ass, I would snap it off with my bare hands. Do not dare trespass against the sanctity of my anus. I’ll take a pair of gardening shears to your balls in a heartbeat.

Stay Away from my Asshole

And speaking of dick snapping and ball cutting, there’s the video “Taking Advantage of the Sleeping Friend.” If I ever wake up to a male friend trying to get in my ass, I will go full Rambo. The destruction I’ll unleash will rattle the neighbor’s windows. My anus is my temple, and none shall enter. But, if somehow, he has already entered me through the use of drugs or magic, so help him, God. I will squeeze my cheeks together to tear his cock off at the base, then beat him with the wet end.

The sleeper in this video took none of my advice. Once he finally woke up, which took a suspiciously long amount of time, the dude was all in. Let this not be a lesson to all you sleep fuckers out there. This scenario will never happen in real life. If you try it on me, well, you know what happens.

I’m not letting this issue go. Why do all gay porn sites have a bareback category? It’s all fucking bareback! Show me one god damn condom. You can’t because there are none. I don’t know why this upsets me so, but it does.

Fuck Twinks

Better see what’s happening with the teens here on Aquariumgays. In gay lingo, teens are generally twinks. Most are just 18 or 19. They are tiny weak boys that like to be brutally fucked by giant bears. The alpha in me wants to stab them. Stop being such a pussy and do something with your life. Shouldn’t being a pussy be gross to you? Go out there and be an asshole instead. Grab life by the balls. And when life gives you lemons, suck its dick.

From my humble and straight perspective, Aquariumgays looks like a fine gay porn website. Were I of the inclination, I would jerk here simply because the intricate web design makes it feel double gay. I’m surprised I don’t find more websites like this on my hunts to please you fags. You guys should step your game up.

All fanciness aside, although Aquariumgays is a wonderful fag site, I still find flaws. There are five-second skippable ads before many videos. When you’re in the zone and have a smooth stroke going, those types of ads can fuck your timing up. I figure they don’t want to ruin the aesthetic with banner ads down the side, but I would rather they do. What if I’m nearing completion? Now I have to rebuild all that momentum. My wife is coming home soon, assholes!

Unfortunately, most selections made on Aquariumgays will send you to a new tab containing ads so that you have to click back on your original tab to continue the fun. That’s annoying but not as bad as the pre-video ads.

If you’re gay and love to jerk off, there is no reason for you not to be on Aquariumgays. Get your lazy ass off the couch and grab your laptop and lotion. You will be beating off before you can say, “Fuck me in the ass, please!”