Needless to say, I've reviewed my fair share of escort sites over the years and, in that time, have realized that many readers are trepidatious about visiting a hooker. They are either scared by the taboo nature of the subject or too nervous about the quality of their performance.
I don't get why you're so bothered by the prospect of making a fool of yourselves. You dumb fucks look foolish almost every day, from the moment you rise in the morning to the moment you lay down for sleep. If you're going to look like a fucking idiot, you might as well look like a fucking idiot. At least then, your penis will be surrounded by the digestive tract of a man that would never fornicate with you without legal tender changing hands.
Despite my reader's apprehension about visiting an escort, they seem to have fewer scruples about visiting a full-service massage professional. I'm unsure why that feels more acceptable, but who am I to argue?
I think part of the reason is that you guys have the delusion that only hand jobs occur at happy-ending friendly parlors, but that's plainly untrue. While some massage therapists may clutch their pearls at the thought of wrapping their mouths around a hard cock, most will jump on that minuscule rod of yours like their massage degree is nailed to the side of their colon.
The only thing separating an escort service from most truck stop massage parlors is the sign above the door. That, and you'll find more Asians in the massage shop. Asians sure do know how to handle a dong.
Give Your Penis What it Wants
You unfuckable bastards have to try massage. I can hear your genitals begging for male attention as I type this article, and there is zero chance they'll find it for free. Don't force your cock to live on meat beating alone. Instead, give it the sweet gift of a male butthole.
No matter what I say or do, many of you will still be unable to leave your parent's basement, even for a tight asshole. If I had emotions, I'd cry for you fucks. Instead, I will try to help with some assistance from my horny gay friends. In the end, it's you pathetic bastards that need my assistance the most.
Outright visiting a full-service massage parlor might be too strong of a start for you lazy knuckleheads. Instead, why not get started at an online massage parlor where you can dip your toes in the water before diving in head first. And by that, I mean your penis head.
Find Masseurs is a gay massage site that will get you in touch with some of the hottest dudes from all over the United States and some European regions. It doesn't matter where you call home. These mother fuckers have a cock for hire.
Gays Love Interior Design
The web design of Find Masseurs is sharp and succinct. There is no wasted space to be found. The main menu hangs up top and contains the options Cities, Masseurs, Spa, Body rubs, Nuru massage, About, How it works, How to pay, Blog, Sign in, Search bar, and Submit listing.
Type in any city in the search to see if massage therapists are in your area. You can also select cities from a list of the most popular that includes New York, Dallas, Los Angeles, Boston, Chicago, Miami, Washington, Paris, and London.
So how does it work? Well, it's pretty straightforward. First, select your city. Then select the service you're looking for from a list that includes shit like Deep tissue (read deep throat,) Erotic massage, Fetish, For couples, Four hands, Grooming, Happy ending, Hot stone, Nuru, Shiatsu, Tantra, Thai, and Trigger point.
Next, select whether you're looking for a full spa or an independent cock contractor. Last up, choose any amenities you'd like, such as a Bubble bath, Cocktails, Car parking, Hot towels, Extended sessions, Private shower, Nuru mattresses, Swimming pool, Warm nuru gel, and WiFi.
Spa vs Solo
Let's review some of this shit. If you're a shy person, an independent contractor is probably the way to go instead of a spa. Self-employed massage therapists are more likely to come to you, and I bet you'd feel more comfortable in your own castle.
However, Spas offer variety. Personally, I don't like to see the same bitch twice, and I bet gays are the same way. Who wants to see the same penis over and over again when there are so many to choose from?
The next important question is how to pay. Find Masseurs takes your privacy extremely seriously. As such, they do all their banking via BitCoin. This ensures your privacy. You wouldn't want your boss to find out you pay for anal sex. I'm just kidding. I know you fucks don't have jobs. You'll be paying for a massage with your parents' allowance.
If you're wondering what kind of massage to get, I personally think there is only one option: nuru. Nuru massage is not only my favorite form of massage but also one of my favorite porn categories.
Nuru massages often happen on a kitty pool-like mattress. This is because the thick seaweed-based gel used as lube tends to get everywhere, especially because therapists use a lot of it. You don't want that shit on the floor. It's a terrible slip-and-fall risk, and no one wants to bust their ass before they bust a nut.
Nuru massage specialists use their whole body as opposed to just their hands, so nudity is required by both parties. Expect your therapist to crawl on top of you and use their entire body to rub you down. I know that sounds hot as fuck, and that's just the foreplay.
The beginning of a nuru massage is always a tease fest. The therapist touches everywhere but your cock until you're so hard you think you may explode. Then a tentative hand job begins. Before long, the dude will deep-throat your manhood like money is hidden in your balls.
But things don't stop there. I hope you're ready to fuck a massage therapist in the asshole because that's precisely what you'll be doing. But to be honest, I'll be surprised if any of my homosexual readers make it past the hand job, let alone the blow job. You motherfuckers are pent-up, to say the least.
Elliot and Steve
Let me share some stories my gay friends relayed after using Find Masseurs. My gay friends love knowing me. Every time I review a gay escort or massage site, I pay for them to visit and give me a breakdown.
My friend Elliot had himself a grand old time. Elliot is a dirty little whore, so a spa was the only option for him. He wanted to select his therapists from a wide array of options. Elliot is a picky guy, so he took the time to choose the perfect man.
Said perfect man turned out to be a six foot six black man with a face like Edris Elba and a cock like a rhino's horn. When I had lunch with Elliot the next day, he was still limping. He didn't care, though. The man hadn't stopped smiling since he left.
Elliot is impatient, so he skipped the nuru and went straight to the anal. He turned down the relaxing back massage. He scoffed at the blow job. Elliot just wanted to feel Edris's dick against his organs. I'm not sure who was more tired once all was said and done, the therapist, Elliot, or anyone listening outside the room.
Steve took my advice and chose a private nuru massage at his house. The therapist brought all the required supplies, including a table and a kitty pool. You never want to dirty a gay man's flooring. They take interior design very seriously. Even when they fuck. That's why you won't see carpet at a gay man's house. It's too hard to get the cum stains out.
Steve loves edging and foreplay, which is the specialty of any nuru massage expert worth his weight. He got to experience every step I described earlier, including some new ones I hadn't heard of. I'll let you guys schedule a nuru massage to find out what those are.
Find Masseurs might be the best gay full-service massage website on the internet. They couldn't make finding a therapist any easier. You'll go from a dry to a wet dick before you ever know it happened.
The only thing missing from Find Masseurs is a straight service. I also want to take advantage of Find Masseurs' excellent digital infrastructure!
My unfuckable readers are in desperate need of anal sex, so don't wait for a second longer to visit Find Masseurs.