OhMojo

Oh Mojo! Here’s how I know being a fag isn’t a choice. I wish I were gay. There, I said it, but give me a moment to explain this. How great would it be to get together with the guys, grill, throw the ball around, watch the game, and suck each other’s dick? Life would be so much more straightforward. Do you think my wife is going to suck my dick after I hang out with the guys? Fuck no. With all the shit I have to do to get a blow job, it’s easier to buy one.

The fact is, in a cruel twist of fate, it’s much easier to get laid if you’re gay. I fucking love getting laid, but not enough to switch sides. Every friend’s group of guys needs one whore in the bunch to suck everyone’s dick at the end of the night. She will never have to pay for food, beer, or tickets to the game. Just follow us around, don’t talk too much, and suck dick.

But this is unlikely to happen anytime soon. For now, Straight men will have to settle for a jerk after a night out at the bars. What I can do is make myself feel a bit better by helping you fags get laid. I’ll live vicariously through your more thrilling sex lives.

Fuck You Guys

Finding out that cruising is a thing sent me into a rage. You mean all you have to do is walk around specific neighborhoods, and anonymous people will fuck you?! No talking, no names, just fucking? Fuck you fags! That’s a step too far. I’ve never been more jealous in my life.

It was all started by one fucking dude! An artist named Alan Bounville. Like God, he stated, “let there be a location where we can randomly fuck people,” and the people responded, “Yes, of course. Why didn’t we think of that?” Women, you need to step your game up to heights you didn’t know possible. Do you know what cruising is called in straight culture? Stalking. Where is the make-me-a-fag serum?

You bastards don’t even deserve me telling you about Ohmojo. As if cruising for asshole wasn’t easy enough, now it has to be online? Fuck you guys. I’ll write this review out of the kindness of my balls, but I don’t have to like it.

Ohmojo looks like the early 2000s craigslist fucked a 90s chatroom while the original eBay watched. What happened to fancy gay interior design? No rainbows and sequins? You guys are so horny you couldn’t even decorate your cruising site.

You’re going to want to register before exploring the site. It’s free and easy. You can give as much or as little info as you see fit. A picture, location, and physical description will get you laid faster, though. Gays have a discerning taste.

You can change your location anytime. Results are personalized based on where you choose—no point in reading about cruising spots out of your reach. I would joke that your blue balls would drive 200 miles for a BJ, but why bother? Apparently, you can hang your cock out the living room window, and someone will run over and suck it.

Besides listing where the hot spots are, there is a lot of general cruising discussion on OhMojo. Everything from stories of past scores to safety tips. It’s here that I read bareback is making a comeback since the advent of PrEP. PrEP is a medication that drastically reduces the risk of HIV transmission. Fucking fantastic. So now, not only do you guys get free sex arenas, but there is also less risk. Combine that with assholes not being wombs, and I don’t know why I’m straight anymore.

A lot of Indian people use the website, and therefore, so many of the discussions are focused on India. OhMojo has a collection of cruising locations from all over the world, though. Perfect, on top of everything else, OhMojo is one-stop shopping. I’m starting to hate you fucks.

Cruising U.S.A

Despite my rage, I’ll tell you guys about some great cruising spots around the United States. If you have ever taken a stroll through Central Park, you’ve probably seen people performing every act of debauchery possible. So why would gay sex not be on that list? Central Park is sprawling, but the thing to do is arrive after ten and strip down naked. From there, you can let nature take its course.

If the great outdoors isn’t your thing, you can hit the Park Place subway station and ride the two or three. Once night falls, the motherfuckers riding that shit are willing to do any and everything. You might want to pop a condom on for that experience. Not because of the risky sex, but because you don’t want your cock touching a subway seat. Neither PrEP nor God could help you if that happens.

I had never thought about it before, but of course, tennis clubs would make great cruising spots. Everybody who plays tennis is a fag. River Trails Tennis Club in Mount Prospect is a shining example.

The move to make here is to roll up after midnight on the weekend. Go in under the guise of playing a match. Talk to Kevin, the desk guy. The sauna is technically closed but ask anyway. He won’t care as long as you slip him ten bucks or let him watch. Do not go any other time! And if you don’t see Kevin, abort the mission.

I would not want to be gay and live in South Carolina. Those people are not known for being warm and accepting of anyone not white and Christian. But, if you’re rolling the dice and living down there anyway, I’ll tell you where to get your dick sucked.

Art of the Bathroom Stall Blow Job

The Westgate mall in Spartanburg is home to the most classic and well-known form of cruising; the bathroom stall blow job. The devil has tempted many a white Christian politician in these places. To be sucked off, hit the small stall. If you want to do some sucking, hit the big one. When someone prances into the big stall, slide your cock under the wall. The stalls are set far from the door, so you will have time to recover if you’re interrupted.

Parking lot bathrooms have been a prime spot for sketchy activities since Henry Ford created the Model T. Combine that with Pennsylvania being the worst state in the union, and you get Hallway dam. Once you’re in a stall, hang your shirt over the door. Someone will approach and clear their throat. You respond by clearing your throat, and they will return the last ah-um. That’s the signal to approach the door. Taking your shirt down means, you unlocked the stall.

Clear communication saves relationships, so listen up. If you want to fuck a dude’s ass, hang a white shirt. If you’re going to get fucked in the ass, hang a blue shirt. If you don’t give a shit, hang anything but those colors. Alright, class dismissed.

Gay Heaven is in Vegas

It goes without saying that Las Vegas is littered with cruising locales. The whole city might as well be labeled as one giant gay orgy. Regardless, the Desert Adult Book Store sounds like the place to be. You know what they say: “Location, location, location.” D.A.B.S is located between The Flying J Truck Stop and Nellis Air Force Base. Good fucking God, it must be faggot central.

Nothing but cowboy cock and young servicemen. Adding frosting to the cake is a nearby tranny bar. This shit sounds like a movie.

I’m going to take it up yet another notch for you. The owner, Ned, is gay, and he will let you fuck in his office if he can watch. OhMojo claims he has a mouth on him and likes to call people names while they fuck. This sounds like gay heaven. I can’t even imagine in my wildest dreams what a straight version of that could be. My brain falls out of my ears just thinking about thinking about it.

I should mention that OhMojo has a personals section. It’s alright, but it’s not the bread and butter. There are a ton of specialized dating sites out there, and they get the job done better. Come here for free sex, not love.

I have lots of complaints about OhMojo, but almost all of them revolve around my jealousy. Outside of that, I do have to criticize the web design. Who created this shit? Were they concerned it wouldn’t run on Windows 95? Shit looks like a newspaper classifieds.

Good for you fags; you get to have all the free sex you want while we, straight men, wallow in self-pity. Go to OhMojo and rub it in our faces by blowing a load onto a stranger’s prostate.