iBoys

Gay, straight, Bi, Pan, the list goes on. All sexual proclivities have their dating sites. Invariably queer folks have the best ones, though. It’s not even a competition. I feel terrible CIS gendered straights are missing out.

Straight dating sites never have enough information or decent pictures. They stick to boring shit like hobbies and employment. Everybody has hobbies and a job, tell me about the exciting shit.

It’s incredible you work in an office and play guitar during your off time; congratulations. Now, how big is your cock, and will you let me tie it to a support girder in my basement? Have you ever had two dicks in your ass and one in your mouth? What is the circumference of your balls, and can you fit them in your asshole?

I don’t care if you’re tall or short, skinny or fat. If you have a cock wide as a coke can and long as a street sign, we fucking. You could look like the pope, and I’m still going to let you hit it. I am but a simple penis farmer.

Iboys is a fine example of queer superiority in the realm of dating sites. They provide you with everything you need to know before dipping your index finger in someone’s ass.

The first thing you will notice is the old school layout. I’ve said that before but apparently, I have not meant it. This shit is truly old-school. You would not have blinked twice seeing this site twenty years ago. It can be disorienting at first, but once you figure it out, the site is easy to navigate. It’s got everything any queer dating site does, plus some.

Sign-up

Let’s get started by going through the sign-up process. The intro is a short explanation of the benefits of having an account. They also give a quick summary of the terms and conditions. Every website, dating, porn, shopping, or otherwise should do this. Nobody reads the full terms and conditions. Providing summaries should be the law! I could be signing my life away, and still, I will skim that bitch.

Once you agree to that shit, room to drop in the standard info pops up—your email, name, and username. You can choose not to show your first name on your profile. I don’t want these bitches tracking me down. Unless it’s for fucking, that is. Then, you can come to stalk me at my job if you like. I work from home so my bed will not be far. Neither will the support post in my basement.

Now we start edging toward the good stuff. Next up is a physical description of yourself. Iboys doesn’t fuck around. By the time I read your physical description, I could draw a police sketch of you. It covers all your height, weight, eye color, tats, piercing, alcohol, and drug use. I now know more about you than your own mother.

How do you Want it?

That takes us to the real good shit. Tell the world how you like to get your fuck on. Each sexual maneuver is given a scale to choose from, and I’ll fill mine out to provide you with an idea. The first thing up is anal. The choice is given from love to hate on a scale of five. You know what I have to say about anal already. I love it! Whether it be giving, taking, watching, or hearing it happen in the other room. It doesn’t matter; give me some anal sex.

Next up is whether you take a more passive or active role in sex. I choose everything bitch. I’ll ream out your asshole while you lay in a puddle of your tears. Or I’ll let you tie me to a mailbox and fuck me while the neighbors watch. I’m known by name to everyone in my neighborhood. Particularly the closeted husbands.

The following two selections are oral giving and oral receiving. Check and check. You haven’t had a blow job until I’ve had my tongue on your dick tip. I’m talking shit you didn’t deem feasible. I’ll drain you down until you’re cumming puffs of dust. Receiving? I hope you don’t have a gag reflex cause I’m about to throat fuck your windpipe and hose down your vocal cords. You’ll sound like a pack-a-day smoker afterward.

How dare they even ask about my masturbation habits. I work from home; what the fuck do you think I do all day? I never type with both hands. If my mitt leaves my cock it’s because I’m being robbed, and my hands are up. Otherwise, I’ll find a way to deal with whatever the issue is with my one available hand. I don’t want to look like a pussy to amputees.

Iboys want to know about kissing? Are we talking lips? I guess I’ll kiss you on the lips a couple of times, but after that, I’m kissing everywhere but, including the butt. I’m going to be in that ass like I’m giving it CPR. You better wash that asshole good and avoid Mexican food.

What? Do you want to cuddle afterward? If your refractory period is less than thirty minutes, fine, we can cuddle. Otherwise, I got another dick arriving in an hour, and I need time to shower. What are we, married?

The last scaled question is the level of sexual appetite you have. I think I’ve made it pretty clear I have six balls worth of cum in my body at any one moment. As long as you still have a heartbeat, I’ll keep fucking you. If I don’t leave blisters on your rim, I consider it a failure. Not of me, but of you, bitch. Learn how to take a dick better and see me next week.

With the scaled questions over, we get to a sexual proclivity checklist. Let the good people know if you like leather or latex, fisting or feet, piss or poo. I’m into whatever gets me into the pants of the person in front of me. I’ll piss on you, beat on you and call you the devil if that’s what it takes. There is no limit to my debauchery. Fortunately for me, Iboys included the option to write in your own entries just in case it’s far out.

How Big is that Cock of Yours?

It’s time for the most crucial question of all, dick size. To some degree, a dick is a dick for me. I’d rather be getting fucked by a tiny dick than none at all. That said, I’d rather be sitting on a giant old hog than a roll of coins. My asshole lost its elasticity a long time ago. If you want to stretch me out, prepare to work for it. You and a friend can braid your cocks together if you have to. Don’t forget to let us know if you’re cut. I couldn’t care less, but some do.

Well, we have made our way back around to more boring shit. There is a checklist for specifying interests in music, sports, cuisine, etc. Whatever, as long as you’re into fucking my ass, I don’t care.

Things end with a scaled personality quiz. The only thing necessary to me here is punctuality. I got another dude rolling up an hour or two from now. I can’t have you being late and throwing off my schedule. I’m a busy man, and almost all of it involves boning.

Show me Yours, and I’ll Show You Mine

Time to download some photos. At least one has to be not erotic to use as your profile pic. The rest can be dick pics if you like. I certainly would.

That’s it; you’re in the fray now. You can expect most of this info to be on people’s profiles. Some also include videos and blog entries. I have time to watch your jerk videos but not to read your dumb blog. I don’t give a shit what you did yesterday. What you are doing today is the question.

Iboys does a great job of covering everything I want to know about sexual partners before they arrive at my fuck dungeon. I don’t like surprises. Rarely are they anything good, or it would have been included as a perk in the profile.

As great as it is, I can still make a protest about Iboys. It’s time to update the look, guys. Did you design this shit in the Victorian era? Even Windows 95 would make fun of your web design.

Despite the ancient layout, Iboys is one of the best gay dating websites you will ever locate. Log on and get laid tonight.