BeurOnline

Beur Online! “Bareback only” - Man on gay dating site. That quote is why I fucking hate gay dating websites. If I put that up on a straight dating site, I would be dragged into the streets and shot. But gay dudes get to make demands like that, and I don’t have to see his profile to know his inbox is overflowing with responses. Dudes are sending him videos of their cocks sliding inside of active garbage disposals with the caption, “I don’t give a fuck.”

To be able to do just a tenth of what guys on gay dating sites get away with would be heaven. Pictures of faces? Fuck that; dick pics all the way. A face picture has become more intimate than a dick pic! None of that ‘I love long walks on the beach’ bullshit, either. “It’s I love cock gobbling and asshole fisting. Please shit in my mouth.” And before they click send, some dude is at their door with mouth open and fists made. Oh wow, how accommodating.

If I so much as call a woman beautiful, she thinks I’m going to jump through her bathroom window while she showers. “Oh, is that all you care about?” Yes, it is bitch! Why do you think I’m watching a rerelease of “The Notebook” at an IMAX theater? “The Notebook” is foreplay to white women. It’s the only hope I have of getting laid. I don’t think a gay man has been on a date at a movie theater in twenty years.

We are lucky to see a hint of cleavage on a woman’s dating profile. Gay dudes are taking pictures inside their assholes with the flash on. I can count the rings along his large intestine and see he had peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. It looks like he might have a couple of stomach ulcers forming. Now I’m messaging some random gay guy to lay off the spicy food for a few weeks. What am I, a doctor?

Clean and Sharp

Beuronline is another example of the beauty of gay dating websites. The design is clean and sharp. The menu drops down vertically along the left side instead of across the top. That setup almost always increases the usability of a site’s interface.

The boxes displaying profiles are large and easy to read. Most people have profile pictures of themselves, but some pets and blanks make their way in. Faces get included, but plenty of pics are dick and ass forward. Profiles always display race, age, and whether they top, bottom, or both.

When you click to open a profile, you’ll get a short blurb about the person. If you don’t give a fuck there is a tag list below the bio with all the good stuff. Shit like if they’re a twink or bear.

The menu for free users is short. The options are My messages, Around me today, Online, I like them, and My account. That’s all fairly self-explanatory. Beuronline doesn’t have ads, but it does push its premium services.

Premium Service

When you upgrade, the menu triples in length and about half are filters to help you sort through the crowd. For example, you can divvy people up by race, top or bottom, and new users. The rest help you navigate the site better. You can watch people, see who is watching you, track people you like, see who liked you, etc.

Premium services are well priced. If you want to prepay for a year, it’s 4.17 euros a month. If you’re going to stick to the monthly subscription, it’s 8.00. And once you find yourself on the site more than twice, it’s worth getting a membership. The free service isn’t restrictive, but Beuronline doesn’t blossom until you upgrade.

Let’s talk about some of the motherfuckers looking to bu-fu here. And because these are not performers, I will change names to maintain people’s privacy - I don’t want a dumbass losing his job because I accurately described his penis.

My Hero, Saggy Travis

My eyes were instantly drawn to Travis. It must have been his tits hanging out of fishnets. Or maybe it was the masquerade mask and the Richard Simmons jerry curl wig. The large hoop earrings and strappy décolletage certainly helped too. At 63, this man is a vet of getting laid via the internet. I bet his AOL instant messenger game was mint. He could even draw pictures of his dick using wingdings.

They say as you get older, you become more honest. Travis has no qualms about informing you what you’re signing up for. He prefers Bi and straight guys. Holy fuck, this man’s swag must be off the chain. Looking at him, I don’t know how gay people fuck him, let alone straight. But I completely believe him regardless. This man is a master of his domain.

If you’re black, you’re in luck. Travis loves being torn apart by an unconventionally large black cock. No size is too much for this man. He has gleefully informed the world that he has a saggy anus and loves it. This man has been living the life we all dream of. If I’ve torn up enough pussy by that age that my penis looks different, I will call this life worth it.

Fucking straight men seems to be a thing on Beuronline. Mr. Saggy Travis is not the only one on the hunt. No one would call me captain progressive, but I have to call bullshit on this. If you fuck a dude in the ass, you’re at minimum Bi. Nothing short of a billion dollars will get me to jab my precious cock into another man’s anus. Especially Travis’! God speed, good sir, but I don’t know how you do it. You have my eternal respect.

Steve’s on the hunt for some straight anus, too. He claims to have a sound body and a great ass. I’m looking at his ass in a satin thong as I write, and I would not judge it to be “great.” Perhaps Steve is speaking about the hole itself. He just doesn’t want to get lumped into the saggy asshole category with big T.

Steve would love group sex with two or more straight men. I ask again where all the gay, straight men are. I don’t even want to Eiffel tower a bitch for fear I’ll witness a dude’s vinegar strokes. You two are both champions.

Progress

Another repeating theme on Beuronline is white guys wanting to get dicked down by fat black cock. George goes out of his way to say he wants his black men from the city. That’s code, for he wants some hood motherfuckers to blow his asshole wide open. Perhaps he feels bad after hundreds of years of oppression. George is hoping his anus can be the bridge that brings humanity together as one. He’s not just getting fucked; he is doing the Lord’s work.

George takes it a step further and calls himself a “white bitch born to serve these domis who are superior to us.” You take that ball and run with it, George. “Carry on my wayward son, they’ll be peace when you are done.” -Kansas.

Don’t Be Stupid

This next one is more of a warning. To the twenty-year-old Asian bottom, if you are reading this, watch out. I quote your profile as saying, “I like being private. I can give you my social media info if you like :)” That is a highly oxymoronic statement. If I were a serial killer, I would tag you as an easy victim. Step your game up by talking with Travis. He has been getting fucked by strangers on the internet for thirty years and still lives to talks about it. Seek wisdom from your elders, young grasshopper.

Beuronline is a fine gay dating site. The thoughtful design says, ‘find your husband here’ while the clientele says, ‘fuck my ass.’ That’s the perfect combination in my eyes. Where is my straight version of that?

I do find room to complain, though; many sections of Beuronline skip a page scroller for an up and down arrow in the bottom right-hand corner. That’s annoying and unintuitive at best and plain fucking stupid at worst. I don’t think I’ve ever seen some shit like that before. Thank goodness they didn’t maintain that system on mobile, or my head would have burst.

Finding a balance between ads and paid services can be difficult. I would trade having a couple of ads on the site to access a few more features with a free account. I mean, having the ability to see who is liking and watching you would be worth a fleshlight ad.

All around, Beuronline is a pro dating site that is sure to get you the boy pussy you need. Even if that boy’s pussy is straight for some reason.