TheClassicPorn

I’m gonna assume you guys are actually smart and know some bits about porn because the “classic” in TheClassicPorn stands for anything released prior to 2000. Mostly, that’s smut from the 90s and 80s, but if you’re really lucky, you’ll even find stuff that comes from the 70s! It’s the kind of smut that predates the formulas, niches, and the fucking oversaturated tropes of today. There’s a reason why a medium-dick size of the fandom is down for the vintage films, despite the quality rarely, if fucking ever, going over 480p quality. People want smut that has a soul! People want to see actual legends on the big screen and in their prime! Hell, I’m mostly here for the fashion and old beauty standards that got phased out over the years.

So, ClassicPorn sounds promising, right? It’s pretty neat, right? Well, I’m not going to waste your time by baiting you to read more. This is a 99.9999% straight porn site. There are only 7 gay DVDs left to watch, and the rest is just straight shit. You can hop off the ride right here if that’s a deal breaker, but if you vibe with women or just want to know what’s in here, then stick around. I’ll be mostly cracking the seven films and whining about the changes that hit the site in recent times. I figure if it has gay porn, it’s probably worth reporting on so that you know what’s up in the hood. This might as well be a shitty documentary for future generations. Let's move in!

The big change that got the site messed up more than a twink in a raunchy gangbang

I don’t know if this classifies as an extinction event as far as a porn site goes, but ClassicPorn stopped adding stuff. It has its collection of smut, and that’s what you get, all of it. And somewhere along the way, I guess it figured, “well, the straights outnumber the gays, so might as well do something with the dead weight.” Whatever actually happened means that the original small population of gay DVDs got clipped from 228 to only 7. Where the rest went, I have no fucking clue, but they sure for shit aren’t here no more. I think the straight side also got hit by something, but honestly, I don’t give a shit about that, and there’s more of it everywhere. The straights can eat my ass! I got a whole other site for them.

How are the survivors faring, PornDude?

I’m sure the last few titles got some kind of trauma from seeing everything else get Thanos snapped like that, but they aren’t talking. The final score is all DVDs, so there are no clips anywhere in the general collection. From what I saw, you can easily expect them to last at least 1h, and some are even longer than that. Call it a light of hope if you will, but the one nice thing that made it through was that downloads are still online. You can nab these with ease, and the download speeds were sharp when I was around. None of the DVDs have any pics, not even screencaps, and two don’t even have a cover image. Times are rough in this joint, but we preserve and keep on.

Here are the last 7 and their names

Click on the shitty box in the upper right corner to switch from straight to gay content and watch the world burn away to a crisp. It might have been some kind of karma, but the DVDs without a cover are the bi ones. To Bi For and Bi Medicine are chilling near the bottom with only a gray placeholder for a face. Medicine has no year listed and I’m not really feeling like searching it up, but To Bi For was released in 1995, so it’s not that old compared to what others are packing. The previous shits the site gave are still coming through because the film deets still list directors and actors (plus actresses). You can even find the fucking country of origin, so it really sucks that it all got dusted.

The other five entries go from the 90s all the way to the 70s, and you’ll probably really dig seeing Black Orient Express from 1985 here. Heh, the site even labels it as coming from the golden age of porn, so the guys who put it up there in 2012 were onto something. As for the 70s, we have a latecomer, but better than never. Boy for Venice barely squeezed in with its release in 1979, and as someone who did last-minute things all the time, I feel it. Take It Like A Man from 1994 is also packing some bisexual wonders, but it didn’t get its face clawed off. The last two are Sex Police from 1992 and fucking Ranger Nick 2 that dropped in 1990! So, if any catch your fancy, better cry now.

Time to weep over the prices

There are a shitton of lies in the site promo, but that’s why I went with the hard facts first before going into the money section. The page has a ton of sub options and two payment routes. You can use CCBill or some weird ass thing called Verotel. I don’t know, I hadn’t met this thing much either. The prices are the same (with a few dollars gap; I’m looking at CCBill) for either payment processor, and boy, there are four of them. All give downloads and all are recurring. More than ever, if you’re going in, by God please have an exit plan ready. I can’t watch your money burn here when you could be buying a new butt plug for yourself. Not in this economy, man.

There’s, for some reason, a trial sub. It’s $2.95 for three days of shitty limited access. Leave it on, and it rebills for $34.95/month. Not a good deal, my lad.

Cumming up from there is the 30-day access that costs $34.95/month, which is probably the only sub you need here. The rest go like $56.95 for 90 days and even $89.95 for 180 days. Weirdly, there were no hidden fees or pre-selected sales on the billing page for either option. I was honestly expecting some grand fuckery and had to look it over a few times, but no. It’s clean, somehow. I'm going fucking insane.

The big fuck you in my ass

But yep, I knew it was too good to be true. The ads, man. The boner-killer ad that appeared after the sub was fucking massive. I’ve seen these full opage ads before, but this was honestly ridiculous. And like, I usually use these ads to find more porn sites to review, but all of the promos were for straight sites. What am I even supposed to do with that!? The link to the member’s page was hard as shit to spot, and I genuinely had to lock in with how often I got redirected to other sites. If phone ads ever take over PC browsers, it’ll look like this, I swear. And the members’ area is just as ad-ridden as the landing page. Sure, I like boobs, but this might be too much for a regular skittle to take in.

So that’s how things are looking so far

Hear me, this site still has a lot of uses for the straights and maybe some lesbians. But for my gay bros? Not so much! I know that bisexuals always win, but they are winning a bit too much with this site since almost all of the vintage goodies are locked to the straight man’s tastes. Way to flex that access to the vintage sets, guys. But well, the site is no longer adding anything and pigging out on the ads, so gay boys get some kind of retribution out of all this shit! Hell yeah!

But yeah, a huge nuke went off on the site and now there’s almost nothing left of the gay collection. I know that maybe some of you were around here before and remember better times, but nothing makes me happier than to ruin your day with actually helpful reviews. No, really. I’m rock hard right now, and it’s not just the vintage tits in my face. If you’re a bisexual champ or if you really want to nab the final seven, be my guest and join! I already washed my hands clean of you with all the heads up I gave you. Have fun digging out the goodies in there!