As I arrive on the first page of PornHub’s Gay Bondage section, my eyes are immediately drawn to the first video: “Collage Guy Wanted To Feel My Ass Every Way He Could”. The typo is funny, but it’s also a perfect summary of my experience with the whole site: it truly is a collage of everything that they could think of, both good and not so good. And also, I saw a lot of Collage guys fucking.
You all know about Pornhub, and I’m not going to waste your time pretending you don’t. This million-pound elephant hosts millions of poundings, and has been around for decades. The website’s name and image are so well known that the brand has invaded everyday life. If you haven’t seen someone walking down the street with a thinly disguised P-Hub parody hat or shirt, the only explanation is that you’re a cave-dweller who hasn’t been among people in years. And if that describes you: Welcome to the modern world, caveman, hope you’re horny!
It’s like some sort of Hub. A Hub full of Pornography.
You all know how the game goes – put in a couple of words that describe what you wanna see, and have a great time scrolling through the endless pages of videos, grab the closest tissues you have around, and maybe hit the like button on your way out (yeah, right). And don’t forget to stay hydrated, because there’s a fucking lot!
I’m not kidding when I say that I don’t think I’ll live long enough to see every video in this category, because it’s as endless as a line at the bank, and twice as sexy. Amateur and professional videos sit side by side, with handsome fellas of all shapes and sizes at a click away. Big boys, hairy boys, tatted hunks and tasty twinks. It’s easy to see there’s something for everyone (maybe too easy, but I’ll get to that in a minute); there are more choices here than tuxedos at a penguin gala.
I am also frankly inspired by the effort and dedication that a lot of these videos have – the variety and creativity in equipment I’ve seen here have brought a tear to even my grizzled eye. From humble harnesses and collars, to wild sensory play chambers and spread bars, all the way to crazy swings and rigs, both custom and store-bought. Truly, we live in a golden age of getting fucked in the ass while tied down.
Of course, there are always trends in porn, and certain types of video tend to float up more than others. You’ll become conditioned to get horny the moment you see the color purple, because every other video has violet LEDs as the only source of light. You should also get used to my personal favorite mascot of gay pornhub, which is the dude with a baseball hat and a short beard – for a fun game, try to find a page without him. It’s harder than you think!
Fortunately, there’s good stuff to find in the niches, too. I’ve seen quite a few hot boys in full drone gear and gimp suits, though most keep it simpler than that. There’s also a variety of videos recorded in clubs and dungeons, if you want the type of stuff that’s so raw and uncut your monitor starts sweating. And the shameless can find
The Pornhub Experience
One thing you might not know, caveman, is that porn sites are rife with ads. But one big advantage Pornhub has is that the ads aren’t nearly as much of a pain in the ass as they are in most places. Sure, every page will have at least one annoying banner with rapid cuts and ridiculous facial expressions, but actually getting to the video is fast and easy (like me).
You won’t run into pop-ups or redirects here, and when you do get an ad, you can skip them faster than Youtube’s fucking ones. Also unlike Youtube, the ads are always porn ads, so your boner isn’t ruined by grandmas telling you about life insurance, or the latest craptastic flavor of soda. If you think that’s not a big deal, I dare you to try and jack off to the latest ad from your local supermarket; if you manage to get off while looking at discounted frozen peas, you’re a greater pervert than I ever thought.
Another small thing I always appreciate is being able to mouse over a thumbnail to see a preview of the video. It’s already hard to find something I can actually get off to anymore, so any extra tool that helps me find it is something to be thankful for. But that’s just the thing, my friends: finding the exact thing you want on Pornhub can be harder than a viagra addict made of rock, reading sexy mountain magazines at the North Pole.
Thousands of Gay Bondage Videos, or so they say
My single biggest complaint with Pornhub is not a small one, and I know you’ve had this problem too. Let’s pretend for a moment that, like our Caveman friend from before, this is all very new to you, and you’re experiencing this website for the first time. You log onto the first and biggest site Google shows you, the one that has the most content (and presumably, the most money to spend on quality), and are very excited to yank it to some dudes in straps. You type in “Gay Bondage”, a sea of tiny thumbnails fills your screen. Can’t wait!
, But whoops, sorry, you didn’t get that, you got a foot worship video. “Oh well, it happens, I’ll go to the second video”, you say? Nope, sorry again, here’s two dudes in business suits fucking in a helicopter; a great idea for a video, sure. But just one little thing – I’m two results in and you already forgot what I asked you for? Unless your search is something as painfully generic as “stepsister stuck in washing machine”, get ready to not see what you actually searched for half the time. And that’s half the time if you’re lucky, buddy.
Pornhub’s search is a goddamned tragedy even by the standards of a template copy-and-paste porn site, let alone the internet’s primary spank-bank. You have some filters for stuff like duration or video resolution, but beyond that, you’re at the mercy of whatever digital idiot is in charge. I shit you not, I’ve had times when I searched the exact title of a video I know exists, and it still gave me completely unrelated things for a whole page before it. I’ve had bathroom handjobs that were faster than these searches through the results page.
But the most offensive thing is that, in this day and age, pornhub still doesn’t allow you to exclude keywords or tags in a search. This is fine if you only look for the most vanilla straight white boy porn that exists, but in the land of kink, we know what we fucking want, and more importantly, what we DON’T fucking want. When the algorithm picks up that you are into niche content, congratulations, you will now be barraged with all sorts of garbage from niches that you are absolutely not interested in
At the Top, with no Bottom
Pornhub is still king in the land of online porn, and the king has been sitting on that throne for a very long time. Being the biggest porn site around doesn’t just come out of nowhere, and I can’t deny that they do a lot right. But just like Mom always used to say, biggest doesn’t always mean best, and despite its polish and size, some of its mistakes can be really hard to get over.
It’s like the biggest drink store in the universe. It’s exciting, it looks great, and if you look long enough, you’ll find the perfect drink for you, and along the way you’ll find some pretty great ones you didn’t expect. But they’re hidden among millions that are probably crap, and trying to find the perfect one is going to take ages. Is that really better than going to the local store, where the selection is small but reliable, the hot cashier knows you by name, and floors aren’t sticky?
But sometimes, you feel lazy, and you just want to scan the shelf for the first thing that looks halfway decent, and have a few minutes of fun before moving on. And as long as you’re okay with the process of dealing with it, Pornhub will always be fine. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, occasionally great or fucking terrible, but most often okay. Just look out for that sticky spot on the floor; the last guy made a complete mess.
