Gay bondage makes me cum like a rain gutter during a thunderstorm. Nothing gets me excited like seeing some rope or leather tightly wrapped around a hunk’s skin as he’s getting used like a sex toy. And if you feel the same way, then you’ve come to the perfect place to hear about some new places to look for your favorite kind of porn. But while any idiot can find porn online, finding the good stuff can be a lot harder. So you’ve turned to me, and that was the right decision. Stick with me, buddy, and soon your dick will be as bruised and satisfied as a birthday boy celebrating his special day in the neighborhood fuck dungeon.
The only thing nicer than spanking your meat is banging someone (not that many of you losers would know what sex feels like), so it makes sense that someone would call their porn site SpankBang.com – would you visit it if it was just called “Bang”? Or just “Spank”? Okay, well, maybe I’d check it out if it was just Spank. But names aside, let’s take a closer look at it, and find out whether this is the site to make your night end with a bang, or whether it’s been so bad that it deserves a spanking.
Thousands of videos, but not of gay bondage
SpankBang tells me that it has over 5,000 gay bondage videos to offer. That’s a pretty impressive number, but unfortunately it’s also a crock of shit, because very few of these videos are either of those things. Let me tell you about the first three videos I saw when I arrived: the first was an asian dude getting jerked off with his hands tied behind his back, good so far. The second was two guys taking turns using an upside-down twink on a rack, going great. The third video was of some bimbo playing with her tits for three minutes, and whoops, that was fast. I’m actually impressed, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a website fuck up this bad, this quickly.
That’s right, you’re going to be seeing a lot of videos with girls in them. And to be entirely fair, many of those girls are in fact lesbians, but you and I both know that isn’t what we signed up for when we asked them for gay bondage. If I’m seeing a cock shoved into an ass, I want to see another cock right next to it. Instead, half of the videos are chicks, and barely any of those even have any bondage in them, unless you count facesitting as bondage – and if you do, get the fuck off my website and go read a dictionary. And don’t get me started on the amount of hentai videos and 3d animated videos there were on the list – of course, most of them with girls and none of them featuring any bondage whatsoever. Watching Overwatch characters getting their ass fingered is about as far from what I wanted as fucking possible, unless they also found a way to include an ad for life insurance.
The videos with guys aren’t any better. Maybe two thirds of these fucking things actually have bondage in them, with the rest being just basic, boring gay sex. And I mean absolutely nothing bondage related, not even a blindfold or some cheap shitty plastic handcuffs, this is just the most ordinary man-on-man action you can imagine. I’m honestly surprised I’ve not run into any fucking pirated Disney movies or top secret chili recipes, because clearly categories and tags mean nothing on SpankBang.
And just to pour salt on my wounds, what little gay bondage there is has a huge duplicate video problem. On the first goddamn page alone, I saw three different sets of duplicate fucking videos; I could tell they were duplicates because the site didn’t even try to hide it, with each duplicate sitting right fucking next to the original. I don’t know what’s more impressive, the balls on these channels just uploading multiple of the same video, or the laziness of the assholes who run this site and don’t do anything about it. If I knew you had to give this little of a shit to run a porn site, I would have made a career out of that instead; but luckily for you, I chose to do this and help you avoid making the same mistakes I did. Ain’t life grand?
Not everything that glitters is SpankBang gold
After seeing how shitty their offering is, I was frankly shocked at the audacity of offering me a discount on their premium service, SpankBang Gold. A chance to lock in and get “Lifetime Savings” on my porn? I’d be a fool not to! Except, as far as I can tell, the gold service is 100% basic bitch straight porn, with not a single gay video to be found, let alone any kind of BDSM. They promise unlimited access to daily full-length 4k videos, which would be cool if anyone cared. If you follow porn actresses and can recognize them by name, then maybe the list provided here might mean something to you, but that also means you make me sad and I don’t want to waste any more time talking to you.
There’s also a separate “Offers” button that takes you to a random other premium platform. That’s right, SpankBang is so fucking premium that they offer other people’s premiums, too! The one that it sent me to was at least actually gay content, but I have to be honest with you – I’ve never been as sure that something was AI as I was when I saw the goddamn cursed images on that site. The first image I saw had a dude who not only had a cock so wide I can’t actually imagine him walking down the street without some sort of baby carrier for his crotch, but he also had a chin you could step on to reach a high shelf. I immediately backed out, because I’m not a fan of giving money to people who don’t fucking exist, and I suggest you stay the fuck away from the offer button, unless you’re doing it for comedic purposes.
On the less garbage side of things, SpankBang also offers a “TV” function, which is basically an endless stream of 2-3 minute clips taken from longer videos on the site. You can choose from one of the provided stations, or you can make your own by typing in some keywords and letting the site generate one for you. I tried it with gay bondage, and it worked well enough, so there’s one plus for the site. I don’t personally think I’d use this much, because I feel like I’m not quite desensitized enough that I need to have a constant stream of porn videos playing 24/7, but if it sounds like something you’d like, go nuts. Of course, SpankBang can’t do anything right, so it’s missing some basic features, like making the videos fullscreen, but that’s what I get for expecting more than the bare fucking minimum from this site.
All Spank, No Bang
I’ve been around for a while, and I’ve seen a lot of crap sites in my day, but even when I tear them a new asshole, I can still usually find something good to talk about. I had to try really fucking hard to find anything redeeming about this site, though, and even then I’m not sure it was worth the effort. It’s actually shocking to me that such a well-known site has such an abysmal selection of gay bondage, on top of every other part of it feeling like I’m pulling teeth.
So what good do I have to say about SpankBang? The site has a decent selection of videos, it has pretty much all the basic features you expect out of a modern porn site, and it has a couple of nifty ideas, like the TV thing. But for me, anything good about it is overshadowed by the sheer amount of shit: Duplicate videos, barely any actual gay bondage, redirect ads that hijack your tab, and not one, but TWO worthless premium buttons.
Technically speaking, SpankBang is not the absolute worst thing. I’d rather visit the site than have my eyes pecked out by crows, or go on a seven hour drive to visit my mother-in-law. But it’s also not really my first choice for gay bondage porn, or my second, or even my twentieth. You can still visit it – you’ll probably be able to cum while there – but I doubt you’ll come back.
