You know what always confused me about gay bondage porn? I never understood where these guys keep finding medieval dungeons to put their racks and fuck each other in. Are there some rich bastards in Europe renting out their family’s fortresses for sex parties and porn studios? Or are people just decorating their own basements to look like Dracula’s jerking off just a few feet offscreen? Don’t get me wrong, I love the acoustics of dark stone walls and how grunts and moans echo through them, I just want to know if I can hire someone to do up my basement like a French monarch’s personal sex torture chamber.
Until we assemble a definitive list of the best sex dungeon contractors, however, the next closest thing is watching porn online. Not only is it much cheaper, it’s also way fucking easier to find. Today I’m visiting Eporner.com, one of the many websites that claim to have a great selection of gay bondage and other gay BDSM content. But we’ve heard that one before, and not everyone has the goods to back up that claim; so let’s find out if it really is worth the visit, or we should lock it away in the dungeon, right next to all my shitty gym equipment that I never use.
Thousands of gay bondage videos, but I don’t really know how many
I was a little confused when I first visited Eporner; the search results told me that there are about 2,300 videos in the gay bondage category – decent, not huge but not the smallest collection in the world either. But then it tells me that a related category,
Gay BDSM, has an incredible 144,000 videos! So, what, there’s over a hundred thousand videos of Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism, but a piddly two percent of that actually includes the fucking bondage part? Either Eporner has an incredibly dedicated discipline and submission community, or someone fucked up and just tagged all the bondage as BDSM and moved on.
Once you get to the videos, things are a lot more what you’d expect. There’s tons of handsome boys getting tied up and dicked down, in any scenario you can think of. There’s a bunch of prison group sex fantasies, blindfolded hunks getting worked over by dirty doctors, and plenty of old-fashioned chains and whips in the classic dungeon. And there’s no shortage of body types either, with sexy stars that cover the entire rainbow – from tiny twinks to big chubby animals, and everything else in between, you’re sure to find the right guy for your dick.
Unfortunately, like most big sites, Eporner suffers from some bad tagging. If you were hoping that the relatively low video count would at least mean that they’d be the right kind of video, get ready to be more disappointed than your date was on prom night. There’s more than a few videos that include women, and no, most of them are neither gay, nor include any fucking bondage. I genuinely don’t understand how they keep fucking this up, and at this point I’m more mad at the website for not controlling it than at the dickheads who keep uploading videos with the wrong tags.
One of the first videos I saw was some Asian chick alone in a bed, stuffing herself with a dildo so big I have to assume it was originally MADE to help race horses get pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with that on the surface, but I wondered: what are the tags on this video? “Threesome, Homemade, Gay, Group Sex, Hardcore, Brunette, Bondage”. Not a single one of the tags on this piece of shit is right – the bitch isn’t even a goddamned brunette! And this isn’t me picking the worst example to be funny; there really are just tons of videos like that, with completely fucked tags. So if you were hoping for a smooth ride with no off-topic videos or false flags, get ready for the biggest disappointment since your first clumsy attempt at sex.
Even more bullshit is that many of the incorrect videos are sponsored or premium clips. And I know what you’re thinking: “Okay, calm down, everyone probably gets the same premium video recs, they aren’t related to the category you’re searching for”. Well get ready to eat a big bowl of Shut The Fuck Up; because no, there are, in fact, sponsored videos that actually feature gay bondage in them. How do I know that they exist? Easy, I saw them when I was scrolling through the motherfucking lesbian section. In fact, it looks like the promoted videos are always the first ones to give you the wrong content. Either Eporner has some fifth-dimensional genius strategy that I can’t comprehend, or their website is worse at recognizing my search than my last male prostitute was at recognizing what the right time to take his money and get the fuck out of my house was.
A surprisingly good video player saves the day
While the search on Eporner dropped more balls than a juggling clown whose thong just broke, the video experience is much better. Their video player loads very quickly, has no ads or other annoying crap to get in your way, and even provides some fancier features you don’t see that often, like playback speed and a miniplayer feature, and even a preview when you’re mousing over the timeline so you can skip ahead to the dirty parts you actually care about. It also has 4K support, which is nice if you like having so much detail you can see every bead of sweat rolling down that twink’s ass. You can also download any of the videos you come across, and you don’t even need a profile to do it, which is the kind of thing I really appreciate in this era of sites not even letting me watch at 1080p without a fucking monthly subscription.
The other parts of the video page are pretty good too. You can save videos to playlists if you want to curate your own collection of shame, and there’s a scene button that shows you some choice moments from the video for you to immediately jump to. Clearly, Eporner only wastes your time while you’re still trying to find a video you want, but the moment you pick one, they give you every fucking tool they can think of to help you finish up and get out as quickly as possible. This page also has the only ads I’ve seen on the website, and it’s a banner spot between the video and the recommended videos below. Frankly, I didn’t even realize it was there at first, because the video player automatically expands to be as wide as your monitor is; so it’s not really gonna affect you unless you’re on mobile, or if you’re an actual fucking dinosaur and are still rocking a CRT with a 4:3 aspect ratio.
I also have to mention one more thing about Eporner which I haven’t seen anywhere else; it’s so strange, I guarantee that you will never guess what it is. So, if you scroll down past the recommended videos, you will see the obligatory comment section, and all of the weird fucks who dwell there. But right next to those, you’ll see the funniest thing I’ve seen in my fucking life: a Fun Fact corner! That’s right, Eporner isn’t just here to get you off, they also want to goddamn educate us with fun facts and history about porn. The particular one I saw was about how gay porn stars make thrice the money that straight porn stars do per video, which is very interesting, but also, who the fuck thought of this? It’s dumb as fuck, but honestly, it’s so fucking rare to see anything unique on a porn site these days, I can’t help but appreciate it.
The good outweighs the bad
Eporner has a lot of great stuff to offer you, and I honestly think that it’s a good site overall – there are a shitload of high-quality videos, the site looks great and has tons of cool features, and it really does pretty much everything right… except for the search. The search is dogshit, one of the worst I have ever experienced, and I almost feel bad that I’m still talking about it, because every other part of my time with the site has been pretty positive. But I needed you to understand just how much it pissed me off.
And I think that’s the best conclusion I can give you: if you’re ready to put up with an incredibly crap initial search experience, Eporner is absolutely worth it. And honestly, I think you should, because the good parts really outshine the bad. And I know that most of you jackoffs have much lower standards than me, so go ahead and go there – I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourselves.
