Aloha, motherfuckers! Welcome to my totally real Hawaiian vacation, where the Polynesian boys are as hot as the sunshine, the drinks come in coconuts, and the wifi flows as freely as the ocean waves. Of course, even when in a tropical paradise, jerking off is an important part of your health routine, and that means you want to have some porn on hand for when the need arises. And sitting here looking at all these tanned, muscular hunks bending over and playing with ropes makes me think of only one thing, and it’s not Moana. There’s no place on earth that makes me think more about gay bondage, and that means that it’s time to hunt down the best places online to find just that.
That’s right, I work even when I’m on vacation, that’s just how much I fucking care about porn.
And today, I can’t think of a more appropriate place to look than AlohaTube.com, a website that I’m sure will have absolutely nothing to do with Hawaii. Let’s dive right in, and find out once and for all if we should say Hello or Goodbye to this porn site’s gay bondage collection.
Say aloha to the 20th century
A lot of people are nostalgic for the 90s these days, and while I think it’s kinda pathetic to be stuck in the past, everyone has a time they wish they could go back to. Well, good news for you losers, because AlohaTube is a blast from the past, with a look that predates mobile phones or cars with cruise control. I don’t know who decided that grape purple and vomit green were a good combination of colors to get you in the mood to jerk off, and frankly I don’t want to know.
It’s also very simple. In fact, it might be a little too simple. The only search option available here is whether you want to sort by new or by top-rated. I don’t really know who’s fucking rating these, however, because there’s no score or vote system to be seen; and I doubt they’ve got a team of porn judges to score these things, if they can’t even afford someone with eyes to tell them to pick a better color scheme. So, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the two options are “newest first” and “random”. If you like to sort by duration, quality, or anything else, tough shit.
On the bright side, that simplicity comes with some perks. Sure, being so simple means that it doesn’t really have a lot of room for the more useful features of a modern site. On the other hand, that also means it doesn’t have room for any fucking ads, either. So if you want to just look at a big dumb list of links to various gay bondage videos, without having to worry about pop-ups and other shit like that, then this is a pretty good place to be. And let me tell you, that list really is fucking big.
An impressive amount of gay bondage
Alohatube tells me that I have 10,000 gay bondage movies to choose from. While I could start an argument over the definition of “movie”, the more important thing is the number. Exactly ten thousand is a little weird, but it seems to show exactly 100 videos per page, and has exactly 100 pages, so I think it probably just stops scooping up videos once it hits 10k. So the good news is that there’s probably actually more than 10,000 gay bondage videos here, you’re just going to have to be more specific with your search to get to some of them. But honestly, if ten thousand videos at a time isn’t enough for you, you might have bigger fucking problems than a website with a hard search limit.
So let’s finally get to the porn itself, and I have to say, I’m shocked by the quality of the selection here. I feel confident in saying that you can find pretty much anything you want on here, because I saw every kind of bondage and other BDSM I could think of, plus a few things I absolutely could not – I have discovered a new fear, and it’s someone strangling my cock by wrapping an entire fucking roll of electric tape around it. I don’t know how he took it off afterwards, and I don’t know how it didn’t just wither and fall off like a dead branch, but I know what I’ll be having nightmares about tonight. I’d say my vacation was fucking ruined, but honestly it stopped being fun when I realized that a flower lei makes for a terrible cock ring.
In fact, if you like to see cock and ball torture, this might be one of the most varied and unfiltered collections of it I have ever seen. You can find dicks put in every sort of chastity trap imaginable, dicks being seared with wax and hot water, dicks being zapped with electricity, dicks being wrapped in melting plastic, dicks being stepped on, and many more things I frankly don’t think most of my readers want to hear me describe. I’ve seen so many different ways of torturing someone’s cock, I’m starting to wonder whether this is a porn site, or if it’s just a CIA interrogation database disguised as one. And while most of us are sensibly too attached to our groin giraffe to be into this shit, I’m sure there’s at least a couple of sick fucks out there that will be very happy to know they’ve got a new place to find the latest penis punishment.
There is also a huge amount of sissy and crossdressing videos, if you’re into that special middle ground between big, manly lumberjacks who could fuck a tree in half, and tiny, girly twinks who are probably going to come out as trans in the next month. These crossdressers are getting wrapped up and fucked just like the rest of them, for that wild fucking intersection between wanting to dress like a girl but get treated like a hunk of meat at the processing plant. And don’t worry, you fucking weirdos in the audience, plenty of the sissies are into getting their cocks tortured as well.
The variety is honestly excellent, but it definitely leans more towards amateur content than professional. And while I personally think that gay bondage is at its best when it’s an amateur sport, that might be bad news for those of you who like their grimy dungeon buttfucking to have higher production values. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find any professional-quality videos at all – I’d say a solid 7-8% of the videos of them count, so you’ll still find plenty to love if you’re too fancy for regular porn.
It’s not all coconuts and cream, though. The biggest problem with AlohaTube is that it’s actually a hub site, which means that most videos you click on will lead you to a different website. And while most of the ones I’ve seen aren’t that bad, some of them can be incredibly fucking annoying, and you don’t know where a video link will take you until you click it. But there’s a sudden plot twist, because unlike most hub sites, this one actually DOES have an on-site player; apparently, some websites are just really fucking neighborly and let AlohaTube stream their content without a redirect. I don’t really know how this works, and I don’t care that much to find out; all you need to know is that you should be ready to be bounced across a couple of other sites.
You’ll want to say Aloha again
Normally, I don’t really like hub sites, because I don’t like getting passed around between sites like the cheapest hooker at a bachelor party. But AlohaTube has managed to impress me, and that’s really fucking hard to do. The selection here is awesome, there’s not really any bad or annoying features to piss me off, and the simplicity is strangely appealing, because not having any control at all makes it a little easier to just fucking relax and enjoy things at face value. So unless you’re not a picky bitch that can’t live without a bunch of filters and tools to fine-tune your search, and you’re ready to see all the beautiful and fucked up things that the world of gay bondage has to offer, then I absolutely recommend going to AlohaTube, and treating your dick to a little tropical vacation of its own. Just make sure to pack sunscreen, because I know your pasty ass isn’t used to spending time in the sun.
