Mountains of content
Welcome to the internet, have a look around. Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found. I was just quoting Bo Burnham to preserve my sanity. I’m out of the music paradise and back into the poor UI trenches. Can someone please bring me a pocket pussy to keep me company? I’ll need one to survive the French gays on YouPorn. And baby you need me to survive, thrive even. No one else is going to bring you gay reviews like I do. No on is going to fuck your sister like I do. And finally no one is going to tolerate broken sites for your entertainment quite like me.
I know YouPorn to be a good chap. I don’t know what kind of shit it went through, but it’s not so good now. Gaps where videos should be are a thing I expect from dingy sites. Not this big boy. At least this big boy has a shit ton of videos on gay French daddies and small twinks. And everything in between of course. Like probably way more than the other sites I’ve seen so far. Maybe even more than PornHub. It would be hard to tell you because each new page gives me the option to load three more. Only three. So I’m stuck here in a seemingly endless cycle of scrolling down and clicking numbers. One must imagine Sisyphus gay and French. I’ve been at it for what seems like eighty four years.
Ah, huzzah. We’ve reached bedrock. Time to shave off the long beard and throw away my piss bottles. After a million and four years, I have the consensus. That’s 66 pages of pure unadulterated gay French men fucking. PornHub can still remain the undefeated king with 88. This site is still impressive though, the last one I checked out had like 7 pages. Amateurs. Thank god they also have a cool ass dope ass functional filtering system. Now I can separate my gay French boys however I please. I mean you can, I’m just here to yap your ear off.
Sorting the gays
Well hot diggidy dog. Color me surprised, with girl cum if you can. There’s VR porn on this bitch. I thought that maybe, just maybe, YouPorn is trying to pull a fast one on me. When you choose the VR shit, it looks like the French category says bye bye without your consent. Fortunately, I’m a dummyfuck and this wasn’t the case. I know a French accent when I hear one. Finally, some good fucking porn. A VR experience with three dudes with delicious accents is all you ever need. They’re young, hot and playing with pie. That’s right, the whole shit starts with the one dude cumming in the filling. Talk about cream pie. It made me hungry, not gonna lie. For pie not for penis. Wink wink motherfucker.
It looks like the level of attractiveness directly correlates to how much money someone has. I see no toenail looking ass people in the VR videos. And VR headsets are expensive bro. So I’m seeing the pattern here. Lots of really hot people in rich looking settings. Like a mansion or a million dollar bed, and they all happened to own a VR headset. There’s a self proclaimed sexy Latin dude here too.
Not sure how he wandered in with all the French people. He probably has nothing to do with French porn though. This is why I didn’t completely trust YouPorn’s filtering system in the first place. It’s good with some shit and flaky with other shit. It clearly says French at the top, so what gives? Dear Miss YouPorn, we come here for French penises. We deserve to have them in VR too, properly. And yes YouPorn is a girl. A lot of buttons are pink. Even the logo is pink. This is a girl gay site, UwU.
Quality gays
My beef with some of the features still doesn’t outweigh the good shit here. My boy they got a lot of good shit. Most of the videos I see are in HD. I see no dingy doomer gooner basements in 420p. No extreme fetish videos that make me want to eat a bullet for breakfast. I had oats for breakfast this time thank you very much. These abs don’t take care of themselves. The abs on the chaps here are also impressive. Not as impressive as mine but that’s to be expected. There’s also a cock ton on solo videos. Another thing that’s not so common on other gay sites that cater to the French. Jerking it alone.
You can find twinks in skirts playing with BBC dildos. If you’re not into flashy new age shit there’s still a lot of content for you. Just a dude, his penis and a chair. Then another dude, with more hairy balls this time, his penis and a bed. Once in a while a more solo BDSM coded video will pop up. Just a dude, his latex mask, his penis and a gigantic dildo suctioned to a wall. Whatever flavor of solo you prefer, it’s here my guy. Don’t think I forgot about you fetish loving dorks. Weird shit also makes an appearance. Just not nearly as dingy and depraved as it can be. Big win for Miss YouPorn.
Even their old people lack that depraved factor. Don’t look at me like that, you know it’s true. Old people in porn usually look like they smell. Because they probably do. But the gentleman I’m seeing right now literally has the word elegant in his title. Now that’s a dignified old French chap. He’s sitting in an office chair and having a little wank. Kind of adorable if you ask me. I hope his offspring still invite him for Thanksgiving or whatever the fuck the French people celebrate. This site is like a private school of quality, good looking people putting out quality shit. And you don’t even need to pay that private school money, it’s free.
Playground for the gays
This site still has its fair share of weirdness. It’s just endearing weirdness instead of something blah. Like this skinny French guy in a Spiderman costume stroking his cock. Or this older gent tickling the feet of a younger gent while he’s tied up. For me? No. Can I appreciate it without needing to run for the hills? Absofuckinglutely. I think YouPorn has the most real, actual quality variety out of everything I’ve seen so far. There’s also a shit ton of audio porn. If you don’t want a husky voiced man talking French to you, then are you even human? Cause I sure am. See, the content is not for me nor do I understand a word this dude is saying. That’s for the better cause I don’t intend to jack it to this. Still the language just sounds fantastic to my earholes.
Not all audio porn on YouPorn is alike of course. Well okay, most of it is. Domination with a sultry slow talking voice is a common theme. I also see someone’s son’s feet in one thumbnail. So if you’re into stinky grippers, it’s time to pull out the cock. Another title has the hard R in it, probably some degradation kink shit. If it floats your boat then go off, king. Most if not all of the audios are strictly in French though, so it’s time to hit the books. If you speak the language then lucky you, bastard. Give me some of that knowledge. I have an experiment to conduct on French chicks.
Oh and there it is. My time has come to dip out even though I believed in YouPorn. There’s one guy pumping his penis with a big suction tube type of thing. My gay brother in Christ, your penis will explode. I know pumping your genitals and titties is hip nowadays. The sex toy shelves get more bizarre every year, I swear. We have got to draw the line somewhere people. I wonder how many men are now cockless because of all that pumping. Love your small penis, you jackass. You don’t need to inflate it like a balloon until it bursts. Back in my day, they used to put out ads for creams that made your cock larger. They didn’t work but at least our dingongs were moisturized. In their lane, thriving. They won’t thrive if you inflate them so much they turn into flan cake. No one likes flan. What kind of texture is that? To be fair, one blah video in a sea of VR, solo and all around quality content is very forgivable. Jack on, jackass.
