Bro is confused
Well, I never. These kids and their mixing and matching of terms. What’s an old man gotta do these days to get normal, gay porn? This shit on SpankBang French is confused. It thinks that lesbian porn is the same as French dudes making sweet, sweet love. We have wildly different and vast terminology for porn. We don’t deserve to get duped like this. In all of my days on the French and gay side of porn, which like at least two weeks, I haven’t seen something so preposterous. On every other possible site with gay Frenchmen, I only saw an occasional accidental woman. Women who walked on the wrong set. Chicks who wanted some threesome action with gay dudes. Not like this, though. Nothing like the atrocity.
What are lesbians doing on my French gay porn site? So many, many lesbians. Not even that no. Darling, doll, sit down and buckle up cause you’re not going to like it. Straight porn. Penis in the vagina, woman and man, together in unholy matrimony. What the fuck SpankBang? I thought we were friends. I was pissy about how you’re confusing the tag gay. But this is a whole different bag of dicks. I don’t know how straight porn managed to squeeze in. I’m aware that gay now means all queer people. I still want to rage about incompetence. I can just jack it to lesbians and move on with my day. But this crosses the line.
Just scrolling the first page gives me lots and lots of chicks. And oh baby, you’re not going to be able to skip them if you run to another page. Nope, the disease has spread. It’s like half of these videos are chicks and dicks. I was here to see twink dudes pretending to be chicks. Holy disappointment. Flush the whole operation down the toilet. It’s small anyways, I don’t know if anyone is going to miss it. Just four pages of the stuff. It clearly says French and gay, so why are you lying, SpankBang? Quick, someone send me their sister or younger mother. I need to take a little break from the idiocy. One little pussy break, and I’ll probably be able to find something nice for you on this site. I’ll give her back, pinky promise.
No dice chief
Thanks, Bob. Your mother really hit the spot. Now to look at the photos I took of her for a solo round two. Oh, wait, we were doing something very unimportant. Unfortunately, I still don’t like anything about the French and gay part of SpankBang. I mean, there are some videos. Of some guys. And they’re doing some things. Can you possibly imagine what kind of things they’re doing? Good job, it’s sword fights. Sure, it’s not bad content. It’s just so boring I want to call Bob’s mother again and forget about it. But here we are, me and you, and we’re going to get through this together. There are muscle bound dudes with dicks. There are bald men with dicks. Surprisingly, not a lot of twinks.
Twinks usually dominate the French and gay sphere. Which makes perfect sense to me. They’re romantic people so, I don’t fucking know. The dots are connecting there. But they haven’t really connected for SpankBang French. A lot of women and no twinks. What is this, the front page of PornHub? If I wanted to see a bunch of normie porn, that’s where I’d go. But I didn’t go there, did I? This is not supposed to be the surface level of porn. I don’t see anything nearly resembling any type of kink either. The closest thing is two videos of a dude wearing a black mask. Whoopty doo, brother. That’s not kinky it’s just hiding a less than desirable face. I mean, that’s what I’m guessing it’s for. I’ve never had to do it myself. Perfect face and all that.
There are some solo dudes here and there. Yet again, no dopamine secretion from my brain. It’s just a dude stroking his cock, and then another one doing exactly the same thing. Bobby, Bob, Bobathy, please ship your mother to me again. I am dying over here. I can’t believe I’m seeing boobs and still nothing. It’s about the principle, alright? I’m not looking for French gay hunks, but you are. And you, you beautiful son of a bitch deserve not to look at boobies if you don’t want to. Imagine if you showed some straight edge meathead gay porn. Well, he might secretly be aroused, but that’s not the point. On the outside, he’d be boiling. Same shit in reverse Sherlock.
The breadcrumbs left behind
SpankBang is like a bad boyfriend. Or so I’ve heard, the ladies talk about this kind of shit on Reddit a lot. The type of dude that gives you nothing for a week and then does something phenomenal. Viola, now you’re hooked on some duche with debt and mommy issues. Exactly because he gave you nothing and then something, you’re tricked. If he just kept giving you nothing then you’d dump the turd. Am I right ladies? There must be at least one woman here right? If not for entertainment purposes at least for anthropological ones. Anygays, my astute relational observation ties into SpankBang, I promise.
In a sea of morons, boring Joes and women, there are like five good videos. Maybe even ten but don’t quote me on that. There’s one dude in not just a mask but also fishnets. Okay, we’re ramping up the kinky kink stuff a bit. Then the title has feminization in it, and I’m like, score. At least one fully and completely interesting fucking thing. A breadcrumb if you will. Just as SpankBang gave me something to work with, it shits on me again. Like the turd boyfriend and his ways. Alright then, I’m leaving SpankBang, I’m packing my bags, and whoops. Another cool looking video. A queer French pringle on a huge motorbike, jacking it alone outside. You can’t tell me that at least two people aren’t specifically into French biker boys.
And we go on and on like that in an endless cycle. A lot of nothing and breadcrumbs. It would be swell if the cycle was actually endless. At least I would have a lot of crumbs to collect. The cycle is shrinking though. It was four pages and now it’s two. How? With the magic of I don’t fucking know. Broken something or another. I swear to Bob’s mother, there were four pages and now there are two. Wasn’t there a nursery rhyme that sounded exactly like that? SpankBang French and nursery rhymes have the same outcome. They make you fall asleep. You should probably go to a different site if you want to stay awake. Our cycle has ended, the boyfriend never existed, it was all a bad fever dream.
Trying my hardest
As a professional porn man, it’s my job to give you the full picture. And a full picture always has some good in it, even if it seems completely dark. Hear that Bob’s mom? I can be super duper poetic. I’m almost done here with the boring stinky fuckfest called SpankBang French, so I’ll be waiting for you. Alright then, something good on this site. Give me a moment to find my rose colored glasses. There, I found one thing I like. When you load a video, there are like 15 frames of the scenes as pictures. Just at random, snapshots of whatever the fuck is happening. That sounds pretty fucking convenient to me. On the other hand it’s not an attribute of their French and gay category. But I’ll take what I can get here, I’m running on fumes.
There are also playlists, like on fucking YouTube. Both of the “good” things I’ve mentioned so far are odd as fuck. I don’t know another site that acts like a lovechild of YouTube, porn sites and a secret third option. Of course half of the videos in said playlists look completely broken. At this point I have to laugh at it or else I will cry and not out of my penis. The only time any liquid should leave my body is during lifting and fucking. So yeah, uh, I guess the total fuckery here is kinda of funny, in a sad clown sort of way. But I didn’t come here to laugh after being beaten down by a terrible site and a terrible category. I came here to enjoy good, hard working, good looking French men. You won’t find many here, so scram to some other place where you’re more appreciated as a viewer. I’ve done you all a favor by making it this far so, you know the deal. Mothers at the door please. Adios.
