4D gay space
Calling all nerds, I repeat, calling all nerds. Do you remember that scene in Interstellar? The movie, obviously. The scene everyone had a wet hard erection for. A lot of pseudo physicists talked about it afterwards on YouTube. The one where the guy enters 4D space. Yeah, that’s right, that one. You might be wondering now, papa daddy pookie porn dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Let me tell you my dear Padawan. Eporner French is the closest thing we’ll ever get to that 4D experience. Forget about what your teachers told you, this is it. This is the holy grail. Now it might not contain cool bookcases like in the movie. You might not communicate with your daughter in the past. But you and I both know you don’t have one.
No this fuckass weird page after page reminds me of the specific repetition. I swear to the 4D gods, I’ve never seen anything like it. If you have come here to cum I suggest you go check out Eporner French for this phenomenon first. It’s quite the anomaly, governor. Dick in butt, two naked men, on a bed, dick in butt, naked men, on a bed. Oh my god, it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before. I’m pretty goddamn sure that the same videos repeat many times for this effect to happen. But I don’t want to accuse Eporner French of being lazy right off the bat. For now I’m just flabbergasted.
I shit and piss you not. Go see. Go now and come back cause I’m not done yapping. You can jork it later. I can’t even find one video that strays from the norm. The only differentiating factor here between videos is a slight angle change. Write that down, for my mathematical equation of course. We’re taking our findings to Harvard my dear Watson. Be not afraid. I’m sure they won’t mind that our material consists of penis, ass, naked man, man with tattoo and abs. They won’t be shocked or laugh when they experience the 4D effect on their own foreskin. Now as a grand sidebar. All jokes aside. This is a terrible sight; I don’t know who made it like this and I’m getting dizzy.
Unraveling the tesseract
This shit is so headache inducing I swear. I can’t grade the material when it’s hard to look at. So many penis in butts. If a man and a man who were fucking in the butt and walked into a funhouse, this would be the result. You know the big, repeating mirrors. Jesus, Mary and Joseph it’s fucking atrocious. I also don’t know how much Eporner listened to my very clear instructions. I clearly said I wanna watch French gay men. Looks like someone was just stuffing as many keywords as they wanted to. I see a video right now, of course it’s penis in butt by the way, with a word salad. American British German French. Alright cowboy so which one is it? I can barely find just French being mentioned in the titles. These people want to fool me into thinking they have a lot of content on the topic I want.
In theory, there are 18 pages of specifically and only French gay porn. But so many video titles are stuffed with nationalities. So I have no idea how many actual French gay videos there are. Stuffed and repeating in themes. There is a dude with abs and tattoos and he’s, you guessed it, getting fucked in the ass. So now I have to sit here and decode whether it has anything to do with French porn. Because you, Eporner, allow nationality word salad on your page. On an unrelated note, that sounds so delicious. A salad from many nationalities. Made of different kinds of women I mean vegetables. Yeah that would hit the spot and make me forget about this clown show.
It’s not that bad
Now papa daddy pookie porn dude is gonna tell you something important, sit. Just because everything around is terrible doesn’t mean the content itself is terrible. The content is perfectly fine. Firstly you have dick in butt. Then let’s not forget the amazing dick in butt. Coming up next, of course the unforgettable dick in butt. And last but not least, that’s right, well all know it. Dick in butt! If I imagine the same with dick in pussy, would I be annoyed? Hmmm. The same shit over and over where a page lied to me about virtually everything. Yep, definitely would be pissed. My erection would go down. I would want to sue. You, reading this, also deserve some good shit.
Again, the good shit is here. But like, it’s also literally fucking everywhere else. Porn is accessible and everywhere; you can’t get away from it. Porn is life, porn is love. So if I were you I wouldn’t come to Eporner French to jack off. Still, let’s be fair to them for a quick moment. The videos appear to be quality. I can see the nooks and crannies of the millionth asshole being presented to me quite well. All the loose hairs and the dick curvatures. I can respect that they’ve got quality, I just wish they used their powers for good. I’m playing a game of finding a video not containing one unit of butt and one unit of dick. Huzzah! There is at last one threesome. Alert the guards, the townspeople must know of my great finding.
There is one butt and two dicks. Incredible, phenomenal, I might faint from my excitement. Could you imagine? The two dudes with their respective penises are on opposite sides of the butt man. Wow, different positions and everything. Groundbreaking. This is how Victorian people must have felt when their daddy brought an orange home. Like at least twice per year. Imagine the excitement. There’s also one video I’m seeing right now of a black man and a white man together. It’s a rarity on this Eporner French. Every single man I see is white, fit, has abs, and tattoos. Fatties and daddies are a far cry dream. I can almost guarantee that video are repeating. I already saw a few of the same thumbnails on different pages. Sneaky hobbitses. I see my boy Chinese tramp stamp, or my boy full sleeve tattoo. Or Baldy McTattoo or the one mega twink. Same dudes, probably same videos, blah.
Dick in butt: the movie
You wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight. That’s what the tattoo of one guy says. I know it by heart, and it will stay with me for the rest of my life. Why? Because I saw it so many times. The man is not French of course but I’m not surprised at all at this point. There are a few videos here and there with French in the title. So I guess everything is not complete ass. It’s all your run of the mill dick in butt. Nothing different or spectacular. I should get a dick in butt tattoo to commemorate today experience. I won’t be able to scrub the words from my brain for a while, might as well. I piss and cum you not, I don’t even see someone sucking dick. The humble blowjob is not even on a goddamn thumbnail.
I mean yeah sure when you look inside, some dudes are in fact sucking dick. But isn’t this attention economy built on thumbnails? Did you think I would work to know what your videos is about? Silly hobbitses. I am a little suspicious of the fact that every video is between 20 and 30 minutes long. I can’t trust a site that doesn’t have a random bomb video that’s a minute long. Or a whole fuckfest the length of a movie. Dick in butt: the movie. Make it, I’ll be the first one to buy tickets.
To not be a total hater as the kids these days say, I like the black background. It’s nice on my deteriorating eyes. There’s also a fantastic filtering system. Now the fact that there’s nothing to filter on Eporner French is not my problem. At least if you’re staying for other videos you’ll have that. It’s got quality, duration, categories, all the good stuff. This site on the one hand is mindbogglingly stupid and gives me a headache and I want to leave. On the other hand, it does have fairly good content if you sift through enough dick in butt. It’s still worth checking out at the end of the day. Yes, yes I’ve been harsh on the little shit. I get to be, I’m a boomer and it’s my job to complain. Say hi to Baldy McTattoo for me when you go in there to jack it.
