Mixed bag of dicks
Hello bitches, time for more French men. Before we get to that though, I’d like to take a moment for something important. I’m super duper entertained by the domain name. Was this like, the first ever site to put naked butts and boobies on it? I’m fascinated. If I had this domain, I’d never shut up about it. Hey, owner of Porn.com, please give me your site. I can throw in as many new pocket pussies as your dick needs. I’ll even give you some of my used toys. It’s the same as receiving something signed by a celebrity. Only my gifts are signed in cum. Papa bless and please give me your shit. I can make it look so much better with my stack of nerds. Yours too simple and boring looking. Whoever said less is more needs to be fired and given no pussy. Or dick. I don’t know how he swings.
I know how you swing though my dear gooner. Now, the site looking a bit boring may have nothing to do with the content on it. Porn.com French is a fine example of a library. Not the British sort of way they use the word fine. It’s just, okay. There are a lot of videos I’ve seen everywhere else already. Now, does that mean this site is worse just because I got to it last? I don’t fucking know. That’s what I’m here to find out. In an ocean of gay French dudes fucking, I’m not sure if there’s anything unique here. Which at least in my book is better than a wall of brainded normie porn.
There’s a little bit of everything on Porn.com French. Dudes going at it solo, jorking it or using a fuck machine. Dudes going duo, jorking each other and well, not using a fuck machine. Dudes going trio and even ones going quad. You’ve seen it all before, I’ve seen it all before. What else is new? I miss the sites that had porn cartoons on them. Now that was grade A Japanese wagyu beef level of entertainment. Even the weird shit, I’m beginning to miss. I wonder what the dude who put piss back into himself is doing right now. We had good times. This site fucks up as others do in the same grand way. It has women fugitives. Excuse me Porn.com, but as per your domain name, you should be the kind. You’re supposed to set an example for the rest of those fuckers. Not fucking up by giving me w*men on my gay French porn site. Get a grip. We demand more penises.
Hidden gay gems
Skipping past the atrocities committed against gay kind. There are nice little nuggets of joy here. An audio with some sexy, steamy French roleplay in a hotel. Ropes. Yes I see ropes. Now that tickles the brain. I don’t think I’ve seen ropes so far when it comes to the French. They’re too gay even for the rest of the gays. All this talk about loving and hugging and having boyfriends. I’m glad someone stepped up and recorded real art here. You are my hero, random French twink dude. It’s not like kink and fetish stuff has been missing with the French gays. That would be downright ludicrous. But I’m not talking about masks and leather and fucking gaping assholes with hand dildos. I’m talking about the art of ropes. If I have weebs in my audience, they’ll vouch for me. It’s a discipline in Japan, sometimes not even a sexual thing. Thank you for coming to fun facts with papa porn, dude.
Although, these blokes aren’t using those ropes very artistically. It’s more of a macho twink wrestling match, ropes included. More of a flailing around like a headless chicken match, if you ask me. The gems on this site are rare, though. The videos all kind of glob together to make one big hairy asshole French man with abs and a sizable dick. That’s the gist of it. I think the most fun you can have on Porn.com French if you’re bored of the same shit is the audio shit. I’m not entirely sure because it’s French but one of the audios seems to be about small penises. In fact, I’m pretty sure this guy wants to talk to you about your small penis. Or maybe help you grow your small penis through hypnosis. Small penis.
Some fat old chud will appear once in a while on Porn.com French too. Lucky for him, I’m into it. Before you quote me, no I am not sexually aroused by fat old French men. I just like to see the old fucks get around. They make porn sites more fun to look at. That’s if you’re already fully cooked into the big porn stew and nothing makes you flinch anymore. White collar closeted gays may not be so amused by fat old grandpa penis. It’s all about exposure. I say give the old fucks a try. I’m looking at one right now playing with a dildo in his bed. The dude is like 80 and still has the gall to film himself and post it online. There’s another one chilling outside and fingering his asshole. Adorable. I was going to give Porn.com French a better rank for having all these senior citizens when, bam. Two chicks, sucking tits. What is this Counter Strike? I didn’t sign up to be flashbanged.
Girthy and fit
Why the fuck are French gay dudes always so goddamn fit? I don’t get it. Is this a cult thing? Maybe they’re in a secret gay French cult that gives them abs in exchange for their heterosexuality. It would make perfect sense to me. The fit as fucking fuck guys are everywhere. It’s the same here on Porn.com French. Just ab after ab. It’s insane. I don’t know if I’m on a porn site or a model fashion show that has gone a bit freaky. All fashion shows probably go a little freaky in the end. So I don’t think there’s even a difference. You won’t get to watch these absolute units for very long though. The videos are short as fuck. I’m not satisfied with a ten minute video and neither should you be.
There’s the occasional long one, but again as with everything good on this site, rare. I found an hour long one and it’s bizarre. It’s not the kind of usual plot I’d expect. Between the gay sex, there’s a dude doing things. Kind of, normal things. Shit you’d see on YouTube with an added dildo. He’s putting on makeup like it’s a tutorial. Then sucking the dildo, teaching you how to leave lipstick on it. Then another one shows up, announcing some French gay award. With an American flag in the background of all things. It’s a clusterfuck but it’s fun. You should go see it, it has subtitles for us plebs. Obviously these random men are also stacked with abs. It never ends I tell ya.
No middle ground
You know how I said ten minutes of content? Yeah, scratch that, roll it up and put it up your butt. It’s more like minute long random bullshit. If I wanted a tasting menu, I’d be somewhere else. No one comes to porn sites to have a little taste. We’re here to indulge goddamn it. Give us the full treatment. Give us the roasted pig, with an apple inside. You can’t just have measly, tiny, little two minute shits and expect us to like it. I mean I can cum that fast of course, but think of the people. They’re edging now. It’s cool to masturbate for hours on end. I was happy to find another hour long fuck fest but oopsie poopsie. It’s the same one from before.
So basically, Porn.com French has one long, fun video that you should go watch. Then the rest. There’s a duration filtering system, like that’s going to matter. Silly Porn.com, you’ve wasted your potential. With a domain like that I could rule millions. Give up the power. You don’t know how to use it. There is an actual content filtering system too, wow. At this point I’m surprised by any sort of competence. It’s not a very good system mind you. Just when shit was added and whether it’s HD or not. Hello, we’ve had HD for a very long time now. What the fuck do you mean HD or not? I should be seeing the 4K option. With a domain name like that, I expect 40K. I expect the men to come out of the screen and do a little dance. In the end, even though this is disappointing, I say go. You should find that long video, it’s a treasure. The only treasure on Porn.com French probably.
