AlohaTube French

A whole new world

I don’t exactly know where to even start. Let’s say that AlohaTube French is an experience. It’s kind of leaving me speechless. I’m extremely impressed but not in the normal way. I don’t want to compliment good buttons, good content or a working, functional UI. Whatever is right with AlohaTube French is more of a feeling than it is words. Go and see and come back. You have to come back because I haven’t even begun to talk about it, because hot damn. It’s something. Real something. But also you must go and see with your own eyes. Okay, welcome back. Do you get it now? AlohaTube French does not originate from this reality. It doesn’t even come from the multiverse as we know it.

That just can’t be the case. The whole operation is downright strange. It’s absolutely mad I tells ya. Not exactly because of the content. Or at least not just the content. It’s everything on it: the colors, the sizes the shapes of the things. No other site I have ever witnessed has been this strange. Let’s start from the building blocks. The background is a snot green kind of color. And there are pink accents. With lime green features and more pink. When? Where? How is a porn site colored that way? This hasn’t happened in the history of porn. Then we get to the look of the entire freaky freak. It’s probably been made like 20 years ago because what the fuck? The whole front page reminds me of sites I used to sneak on as a little turd. Obviously though, new content is still being uploaded. New videos keep rolling in from the mothership.

So there’s a mastermind behind this fucking weird operation. This time I really think it might be aliens. Trying their best to make a site from the data they’ve gathered. I’m not sure the videos themselves are from people either. It might just be aliens in skin suits. Why they decided to make specifically French and gay skin suits, don’t ask me. I’m not one of them, I promise. I’m just a humble messenger. It’s a fact that you’re not supposed to shoot me. After traversing AlohaTube French I might ask you to though. Absolutely not because it’s bad, I just might never find something like this ever again. Are you telling me I’m supposed to return to normal sites after this? Mamma Mia please no, let me stay with the aliens. They’ve got the cool shit, they’ll probably let me have sex with them too.

Content for aliens

I have to make it abundantly clear to you. This is not bad content in any traditional sense. My penis knows I’ve covered so much bad shit. But also, I can’t find a name for it, yet. Weird isn’t enough. Like there’s one video of a woman or a man with a creepy smile, just looking at the camera. I say woman or a man because it clearly looks like a woman but the title says otherwise. I mean boobs, long hair, all that jazz. Tell me how that’s not a cute little alien in a skin suit doing its best to copy humanity. There are dozens of videos of men putting increasingly bizarre things inside of their butts. It’s not like, hey, this is a dildo; I am a French man, let’s have fun.

Nope, one is sitting on what seems to be pipes of some sort. Fucking ouch. Another one is using some sort of bathroom machinery. I don’t fucking know. How can I describe something that’s clearly an alien object masquerading as a people object? Right next to all this rectum business is even stranger balls business. Like this one guy with wires all over his balls and dick. Excuse me, come again, wires?! I’m as lost as you are. And I’m familiar with conventional ways of using wires for some sort of cheap rope play. You know, when you can’t find proper bondage shit and use the PC stuff that’s lying around. Or when shit that shocks you with electricity is involved. That, I’ve seen many times. This, is not that.

Next on the menu is some poopy diaper content. I watch too many videos on lolcows to know that fetish is way more common than everyone thinks. I mean sure, it can be as common as it wants to be. But why is it out here front and center on the second page of AlohaTube French? I don’t kink shame, this is more of an in awe sort of thing. I feel like I’m definitely out of the normal, surface level internet. And inside of the deep dark depths of the deep dark web. Except that isn’t the case and this shit is a few clicks away from your usual starting point. So, I guess tread lightly if you’re not desensitized like me. I brew in porn content everyday and I’m still a little taken aback.

The French and gay of it all

Now excuse you me if I haven’t talked to you about anything French yet. The thing is, well it’s there but not much of it. It’s certainly in some titles. Titles on videos that I’m not sure you’d want to watch if you want your French fix. The men with abs are gone, replaced by Lovecraftian entities. The hot dudes with tattoos having sex with twinks, mostly gone. Replaced by very, very old men doing unspeakable things. We had some good times with the normies of the gay French world. No, I lied, we fucking didn’t. They were goddamn boring. I’d pick whatever the fuck is wrong with AlohaTube French on any day that ends in Y.

I haven’t seen a video titled bloopers in probably ever. What do you fucking mean you’re posting bloopers? That’s awesome, count me in. Oh, and the women. Of course on a site that’s basically the Wild Alien West you’re gonna have women in the gay category. This site has transformed the meaning of what it is to be a gay French man. It doesn’t care for your stupid societal boxes. It has transcended gender and nationality through space and time. We are all gay French men now. Welcome to the hivemind. I know you came here looking for gay French men banging. But I know you will stay for everything else we the hivemind have to show you. The universe is a vast space, oh stupid one. Join AlohaTube French to learn the secrets big porn has kept from you from the very beginning.

Actually the French of it all

On most sites in existence, ever, you have to dig for the freaky shit. Here it’s the opposite. I am put to serious work trying to find dick in butt. Just a normal looking, non Lovecraftian dick in butt. The kind of dick in butt everyone can enjoy. And let me tell ya, it’s here. Maybe not as conventional as it can possibly get but still. There are videos of a man and a man, being French and fucking. Some are outside in the woods. Others are twinks. Some partake in orgies on a park bench. And a lot of them are just filming themselves jacking off. Which looks kind of freaky and from the void-y. For this site at least. It certainly isn’t some super hot dude in 4K. More like someone’s basement, with his penis up close and blurred because he doesn’t know how to film. As you can see, normal doesn’t survive here. I was telling you about normal, yet here we are again.

This is the deep sea creature equivalent of porn. Have you ever seen a man putting his dick in a shoe? I have, now. What about someone with a plastic bag over his head with the eyes and mouth cut out? Okay, that one might be more common in kink places, but still. This is not supposed to be a kink space. We’ve completely abandoned the gay French men. They have abandoned us. No, with this site it’s pretty clear to me now. God himself has abandoned us. The day I see an old man walking naked in public with his gut out is, well, this day. Uhm, this is supposed to be a porn site. He’s not even doing anything pornographic. Just existing, on a nice little stroll, naked, bare feet and all. The weirdness never ends. Screw a review, I could write a book about this site. I will not be doing that to preserve my sanity. So someone else has to now. Do it, for me, for us, for our alien overlords.